Why being personal is so hard

I got home from the hospital tonight and I didn’t know what to get into. I didn’t know whether to start laundry, go to bed, or continue grey’s anatomy. I sat at my desk wanted to make an insta story to share about my day but I stopped. I wanted to tell whoever was willing to listen that we’re going through a hard time, but I stopped. I want to share, I know what I would share, but I can’t seem to get it out. And I can’t seem to understand why I can’t tell everything to you guys. Some people only share the good and that seems to be me recently. I sit and think about the people I look up to (not just their incredible work) and I realize that I look up to them because I feel like I know them. I watch their insta stories and I feel a connection. I know what they’re usually feeling, I understand their family dynamics and I could even run into some of their family members and recognize them (creepy, I know). Why can’t I be more like them? Why can’t I share about this incredible and sometimes frustrating family that I have? Why not? To be honest, it’s just not fair to my friends, my clients, and to you. Because its not who I am. You don’t even know who I am.

I want to tell you that I just visited my grandfather who had to get a hip replacement because his nerves can’t tell his muscles how to operate and he fell and broke his hip last night. I want to tell you that I thought we had more time to prepare for this. That this is one of the hardest things my family has dealt with and I need to hear from someone who has been through it, too.

But i’m afraid of what people will think.

I’m afraid of being judged by the same people who I want to share with. Will my friends think i’m complaining too much? Will my family think I am oversharing? Will everyone just end up being uncomfortable?

Will no one care?

It’s time to stop feeling this way. It’s time to stop worrying about what other people will think, because I am an adult and can make choices that are best for me and my loved ones. I’ll be having a baby soon and I worry about being judged or shamed for my decisions with my son, too. Enough is enough. I’m not giving all of myself to my business. I’m not showing my clients who I really am and my business is failing because of it.

This blog post is the beginning of something new for me. Something unexplored but exciting. There may be spell check errors, but I don’t care. I’m not going back through this because I might not post it if I do. I need to hop on insta stories, share my life with you guys so you can see the real Megan. The one that worries about her family. The one that gets too loud and excited when she’s editing that night’s session. The one that doesn’t like being pregnant. The one that sometimes doesn’t feel like enough. That’s the Megan that I hope I can pull out of this cave for you guys, and this blog post is going to help me do it.

I promise to share more about my Grandfathers degenerative disease. Maybe next week, but someone please remind me.

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July 3, 2018

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